Tuesday Morning Tilt

What’s up Combiners? Welcome to the first and possibly last edition of the Tuesday Morning Tilt, the article where I shamelessly rip-off Peter King’s beloved MMQB format. Instead of top-notch writing and insider NFL info, I’ll be talking about sports topics that matter to REAL sports fans. Things like my shitty fantasy team, my near-misses in DFS, how bad my favorite team is, and what coaches are horrible. You know…things that actually mean something.

Why Tuesday instead of Monday? Because I’m usually 14 beers deep by Sunday afternoon and in no shape to start writing. Plus…let’s be honest, you are probably gonna be reading this at work, while you are supposed to be working. Mondays suck enough as it is and are usually the one day of the week when people actually have to do some real work while at work, no need to bug you with my “Hot Takes” on Mondays like everyone else. So, Tuesdays it is.

My Nightmare Fantasy Season Continues

I actually experienced a tiny bright spot this week in what has been a long, cold, dark fantasy season. I rang up a victory to bring my record to a solid 3-6. You know how I won? The guy I was playing against had Gronk, who was a late scratch Sunday. That’s it, that’s the only way I was able to win.  I don’t know why the Patriots even try to play Gronk during the regular season anymore. His body is basically that of a partying, beer-chugging Frankenstein at this point. New England should just keep Gronk in some sort of party bus-style cryogenic containment unit during the regular season and roll him out healthy-ish at the start of the playoffs every year. Problem solved.

DFS Bust Of The Week

The Carolina Panthers are legendary trollers of the DFS community and they got me again this week. Upon seeing that Torrey Smith had been ruled out, I stuck rookie burner D.J. Moore in pretty much all my DFS lineups. He was cheap and playing a Tampa Bay defense that is roughly equal to a decent high school football team’s defense. So of course, Carolina being Carolina, they decided to go away from a player they spent the #12 overall pick on and instead ride a guy named Curtis Samuel. What the actual fuck Carolina? It’s not bad enough that Cam steals every goal line TD from everyone…you are scheming the ball to Curtis Samuel when we’ve got a sweet value play locked and loaded on DraftKings? I think the Panthers equipment manager scored a TD in this game, but D.J. Moore had one catch and one rushing attempt.

My Head Coaches Trading Places Idea

I’m nowhere close to being a great football mind, but every week I wonder how some of these NFL coaches keep their job. There are some good ones in the league…McVay, Payton, Belichick, etc., but man there are also tons of horrible coaches. You don’t have to necessarily have a bad record to be a bad coach. Take Green Bay’s Mike McCarthy for example. Great career record, always makes the playoffs. But is he really a good coach? This lucky bastard has coached the Packers since 2006 and has basically had two quarterbacks for the entirety of his tenure: Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers. With these two generational talents at the NFL’s most important position, McCarthy has been to ONE Super Bowl!!! Meanwhile, we’re giving Marvin Lewis shit for not winning a playoff game with the damn Bengals. This for an organization whose owner is so tight that the team has to practice at the nearby University of Cincinnati when it rains.  I wish fans could vote every season on which two coaches have to switch places for a year. I’d love to see McCarthy’s smug-ass coaching Andy Dalton in Cincinnati, while Lewis just turns over the Green Bay offense to Rodgers and coaches the defense to a Super Bowl victory.

A Lapsed College Football Fan

I was born and raised in Knoxville, TN, which means one thing…Tennessee Volunteer football. I grew up in the golden era of UT football, Peyton Manning, Jason Whiten, Al Wilson, just to name a few of the greats. We were really good every year. I was 18-years-old when we won the 1998 National Championship. We’ve pretty much sucked ever since. Had a string of horrible coaches. Our last head coach, Butch Jones, is literally a damn intern at Alabama now. I can’t make this shit up! I didn’t know what I had until it was gone. I took winning for granted. I’m now officially a bitter college football fan. I hate Alabama, Clemson, Ohio State and all the rest. I don’t want to see them on my TV or talk about them due to the pain it causes me. While the talking heads are discussing who will get into the Playoff, I’m over here trying to grind out a bid to the fucking Belk Bowl. So, I don’t wanna talk about college football until my team is good again…and like any self-respecting college football fan, I continue to bounce back and forth between if that will be next year or never.

Closing Thoughts Of The Week

I guess this is the part where I tell cute little stories about my travels and talk about different fancy beers and coffee. Well, you guys are totally out of luck on that. I never travel unless my wife makes me. I hear about other people’s trips though, because apparently all of my wife’s Facebook friends are fucking world travelers that live exciting lives. I think Facebook’s sole purpose is to keep husbands and fathers broke, because you are trying to give your family the same experiences that other families post on Facebook. So because I’m always broke from trying to keep my family happy and the fact that this site pays me in DK Crowns, I don’t get to drink fancy beer and coffee. Nope…it’s Bud Light and Folgers Classic for old Dad. I did step out of my comfort zone when I went to a friend’s house over the weekend and sampled some Coors Light. Slightly watery, with only a hint of metallic undertones. If I get a second week of Tuesday Morning Tilt, I hope you guys will check it out, as I continue to fight the good fight for REAL sports fans. Next week I might try something really exotic and pricey, like a Sam Adams.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements